When the first signs of pandemic emerged, reports said that we would be through the worst of it in a few weeks. We feared that it would last until summer. Here we are on the cusp of August, with many false starts but no end in sight. There are a lot of unknowns. We need to share space, and sharing space is risky. We are navigating dynamics of power, hierarchy, secrecy, shame, infection, fear, often without acknowledging them. Often nobody knows where the plan came from, per se, but there was a plan and then everybody was doing that. Or, probably more often, not everybody was doing it.
A lot of quick-thinking solutions rely on assumptions and dynamics and scripts that weren’t working before the break and certainly aren’t working now. Are there barbecues this summer? Shopping trips? Is someone in the house getting on a plane? Or a bus? Is the beach okay? Under what conditions? What happens when a customer gets too close? What happens when the boss won’t wear a mask? What happens when police don’t? Can supermom be simultaneous worker and parent and teacher and scared human being indefinitely? What happens when depression means you cannot safely be alone? What happens if someone tests positive? What happens if someone dies?
We should talk.
This resource is informed by my background as a sex educator helping young adults learn to talk about desire, boundaries, and risk. It is informed by my background as a sociologist and health equity researcher with a deep knowledge of ways in which our risks are not equally distributed, that often we are at greatest risk when we need to interact with people who treat us carelessly. That sometimes we navigate risk in situations where our greatest exposure to risk is someone who has demonstrated that they will punish us for asking to be hurt less, or who at the very least could respond this way. It is informed by my (relatively minimal) background in queer history, in the relationship between morality, disease, and personhood, a blending between living and dying, connection and risk, that is deeply felt in the trans and queer spaces where I am home.
It is also informed by many years of relationship anarchy, of navigating risk in sometimes complex networks where intimate risk is shared with people I may not communicate with directly, may not know, may not like, and where risks are navigated in a way that centers autonomy, emphasizes an ecosystem model of responsibility, and values responsiveness to changing circumstances. This discussion framework is just a starting point. Use it or alter it as fits your group and your circumstances.
[Edit to add: I realize in hindsight that after several rounds of drafting, this has taken on increasing resemblance to Atul Gawande’s five end of life questions, which are brilliant and can be used when facing a great multitude of transitions. I want to acknowledge that he is a big (and possibly bigger than intended) influence in this process. His book Being Mortal is amazing, and you can read about his five questions here.]
I have intentionally left these questions case-neutral so this tool could be used to develop a foundation of shared decision making that is scalable and applicable to a wide range of groups and situations. The goal is to create a foundation of shared understanding and priorities to enhance trust, reduce anxiety, and improve the chances of pulling off a group plan when it really matters that everyone is onboard. If your group includes more than about 12 people, I recommend breaking into small groups to discuss and then having a delegate from each group represent the discussion from that group (this can be done recursively to scale to very large groups). This is particularly helpful in hierarchical organizations, where this can allow people to say “someone in my group” or “some people in my group” had a particular concern, where saying “I have this concern” might be intimidating or feel unsafe. Small group-big group discussions also allow people to think through their perspectives before bringing them to the big group. Group discussions also facilitate clarity about what experiences are shared that might not be obvious. This can also be done in the same way that my gender exploration exercise is facilitated, where each person answers questions alone and then the group discusses together. This discussion could take a long time and may need to be done iteratively.
Your group may find it helpful to use a facilitator or mediator to help structure this process. I particularly recommend this in groups where communication or trust have been difficult lately and groups with big power dynamics.
What’s happening now?
Create a shared sense of the situation! How are we all feeling? What’s happening globally, what’s happening locally, what’s happening in this building? How do we know? Are there any ambiguities about what’s happening or disagreement between different sources? How is this situation changing daily functioning? How has the balance of labor changed? What policies, rules, or agreements exist currently that address this situation? How big is the gap between the plan and the reality? What’s working and what’s not working? Who is it working/not working for? How long could we keep doing things exactly as we are doing them? What do we expect to happen next?
How do we understand our own risks?
What is a bad outcome? What would make that more likely? What about our individual risk might not be obvious to someone else in the group? What other factors should be taken into consideration? What feels most threatening, uncertain, out of control, or hard to fix about what’s happening? How can we support each other in managing the threatening, uncertain, out of control, or hard things?
What are our priorities?
What is a good enough outcome? What makes a good enough outcome more likely? What feels most protective, encouraging, or comforting about what’s happening? What can we let go of, postpone, or not worry about right now? What can we definitely NOT let slide even under the circumstances?
What supports are available?
What do we have to work with? What spaces, tools, skills, relationships, practices, and knowledges can we bring to bear? Who has done something like this before? What are other people doing*, and how might that model work or not work in our situation? What do we have in reserve that we might be able to leverage under extreme circumstances? When does that happen? What can we put in place now to support ourselves or each other if things get worse? Who can we talk to if we need more help?
*if you need a jump start, some of my pals are discussing their COVID-19 decision processes here.
What surprises are coming up?
Where are/were we not on the same page? What does that mean for us? Take time to acknowledge insights that are unexpected or that changed your picture of the situation. As you get used to this process and build trust, reflect on surprises as you go. Acknowledging surprises reaffirms the collaborative and flexible nature of the process and builds trust.
What happens next?
What policies, behaviors, or agreements seem like a good idea based on what’s true for us right now? What changes are on the horizon? How will we handle them? How will we know it’s time to reassess these agreements?
What do we do when something goes wrong?
What challenges or conflicts exist in enacting them consistently? When do or when might these policies, behaviors, or agreements not work? What will we do when an agreement or policy breaks? How will we respond to bad-outcome scenarios that feel important to prepare for? How will we respond to people when they are affected by bad outcomes? How do we want people to respond to us if we are affected?
If you use any version of this tool, I’d love to know how it went! If you’d like to support my work financially, you can leave me a tip on ko-fi.
Han Koehle 